Barclay Littlewood

An Insight Into My Life

The eternal presence, does it belong to me?

The eternal presence within, that which I call God, or Divine Energy, but can go by any name, and certainly does not exclusively belong to you.

You cannot steer it, change it, move it. Of course you can change how you think, what you think, steer your mind and your actions, yet that eternal presence remains always. It can neither fade, increase or decrease.

Our descriptions of it very wildly, at times seemingly in conflict, other times seemingly baffling.

Notice it in your life, and through grace it shall bring you eternal peace, the peace of Holy Spirit or bliss.

It is always there, always watching, it can never fade. As much as you try and find it, it remains. As you name it, talk about it, it still remains.

It is greater than any occurrence in your life, any occurrence in the world.

It is untouched and beyond them all.

It is within all people, within me, as much as it within you. Wether it is unrealised or not, guised under religion or not, it is true unity within all of mankind.

Thank you for reading,

May the eternal presence of God be found within you.

God Bless

The truth is, you inherit a lot in this life you don’t ask for.

Some of it is good, some of it, not so good.

Indeed, some of it can be very bad indeed.

We all pick up habits of thinking and feeling about ourself, and life, and how to interact with the world, from our parents and siblings. Our family situations mould and shape us in our most formative years.

Past selfish acts in my family, from both parents, meant I inherited a lot of pain.


My mistake

But even though I was only 8, it was my mistake.

Mum and Dad could never give me, what they never had.

What I needed, had to be provided by me.

It’s something every child should realise, before they begin a life into a world of madness.

Your parents are ill-equipped to handle another human beings well being, very often, they can’t even handle their own.

I needed my own love, no one else’s. I needed to feel loved, and in the end, only I could provide that.


The Fight

I am not fighting anyone anymore. I am no longer fighting myself.

Now. I am only fighting the pain.

My father left when I was 8 never to return. My mother, I always felt an emotional disconnect from, she was never emotionally warm, but distant. Perhaps she was struggling to get over the divorce, to provide for us, and find love herself.

She was my one source of love, I tried so hard, to make sure I did well.

Somehow, I never could quite seem to earn that love and warmth I craved.

One day, I gave up, and drugs became my love.

As my addiction grew, it too failed to provide that love. It faded and it left even deeper scars.

I became distant to myself, cold to myself, I became angry, bitter.

Success wouldn’t solve it, money wouldn’t solve it, changing my looks and body wouldn’t solve it.

Even God couldn’t directly solve it.


A seed of pain

I did’t ask for that initial seed of that pain sown deep inside my heart and mind. I didn’t deserve it, and certainly, for a long part of my life, I didn’t even know that pain was there.

After that, it took a lot of figuring out how to begin to solve it. The problem was by then, the seed of pain had grown so large. It has become a tyrannous, sprawling, evil weed, intertwined with my very being, my body, mind and soul. It had become me.

Many, have had it a lot worse than me. It gives me great grace to understand, pain is passed on through generations. Like a silent killer. Most people don’t know it’s there, they never face it, and certainly they never cure it.

It goes on and on, passed subliminally from generation to generation, perhaps for centuries or more, until someone breaks the cycle.

That’s the fight for me.

To kill the pain. To break the cycle. To uproot the weed at it’s source – me.

Not only for myself, but should I have kids, that they never have to inherit the pain I inherited.


My power

This fight is to take all power over myself, back within me. To take full power over my relationship with myself, and my relationship with our source.

My neediness, was my undoing. I had thought, incorrectly, that the love I needed was outside of me.

It was within.

A long trail of spiritual seeking began. I devoured book after book of wisdom, I become complex and a serial changer, all for love.

Even the books that erred at truth, forget something so key. Pain is an experience. Only experiencing healing, can reverse it.

Words, mere words, nay mere wisdom, are only 1% of the battle.



Your experience shifts

The rest, the other 99%, is to begin to shift your experience.

You see your experience is plastic. Malleable.

It can be altered, replaced with a new, more joyful, better experience. Meditation, prayer, worship, practising love of oneself, all begin to alter you, second by second, minute by minute, day by day, month by month.

Year by year.

I care for people. But, I realise all people, ultimately are evil, we are all self centred. So quick to turn, so self involved, so negligent of how we effect others.

Now I don’t care what people think about me, I don’t care what they say about me, I don’t care how they view me. I need nothing from them, take or leave me, nothing you can give me, means anything to me. From the little things – don’t say hi, don’t be helpful, push past me – to the big things – forget what I did for you, turn on me, try and threaten me, do as you wish.

I won’t try and change you, convince you, alter you. I don’t need feeding from the outside. I don’t need the nourishment of this world.

Stay as you need to be, it’s your life, and I am focused on mine.


The pain of others

Few people know themselves, thus they cannot begin to even know another.

So many are in so much pain, they take it out on all those closest to them, without even knowing it. They have little time to think about the lives of others.

They are ultimately, a lot less important than you think. They can’t give you what you need, or what you have been searching for. Love them as much you wish, treat them as well as you like, all admirable qualities, just don’t get confused.

Don’t think it will give you anything you really need.

My stability now comes from within. My belief, comes from me. My view of myself comes from me. I know who I am better than you, better than anyone. I don’t need you onboard. I am not looking to complete my puzzle, with missing pieces you never held.

I learned to love myself, be kind to myself, to be my own guru, my own encourager. I learned to boost myself up. To be immensely proud of myself. To fight to get better each day.

I learned to admit my many fears, and face them. To push myself past them and conquer them.

I am bolstered by sound principles and values of love, kindness, tolerance, compassion, and forgiveness. I don’t seek to harm any other human being, physically, emotionally or financially.



I am, one in a million, maybe even more. I am different. I look at life differently, I live life differently, I feel about life differently. I know things others can’t even comprehend, I understand a better way.

I have evolved.

I am ready.

And this is just the beginning.

The Secondary Nature of Self

If you think about all the human evil that’s been done over time, it’s always in the guise of looking after me or my own, over you and yours.

It’s about getting what I want, because I want it or because I think God wants it.

This I call the being immersed in the secondary nature of self.

Maybe its about imposing our ways on each other, our interpretations, because we know better than others. Perhaps it’s about making them be and act like us, or perhaps it’s the never ending search for fulfilment via the world.

Perhaps it’s our adverse reactions to someone and what they’ve said or done.

Inner suffering causes outer suffering – and the source of suffering is all ultimately finally tied to yourself.

That notion that you are the very epitome of this creation means you can only rely on yourself, a sub structure that is not self sufficient.

Some branches of spirituality preach there is no ‘you’. That all are God. This seems so on discovering the absolute source within you, but there is indeed a you, and the source of you. All experience the former, only some the latter.

It is the source of you which is greater.

Call it what you like, God, spirit, Allah.

It is greater than you, more permanent, more prevalent, more knowing, more advanced, more joyful. It is within you, however hidden. You are simply a creation of it.

It maybe a separate source you think of it as, something that was there when the Universe began, or it maybe something that only began to exist when the Universe began.

Whatever your idea about it – it is the source of that.

The more you pass power to God to take yourself out of the equation and immerse in what made you, sustains you, the more your separateness to your source fades.

And the root of all your desires, all your pride, all your vulnerabilities, all your worries, slowly dissolves.

Such joy, right with you always, right under your nose!

You identify what’s within us all, what’s the true source of each and everyone, everything. There all are already loved, in that, there are no real differences, no issues, no problems.

The source is incredibly ambivalent, incredibly care-free, yet in the name of love, it exists, simply it’s love isn’t limited, nor is it’s freedom. People are free to love, to mock, to argue, to hate, to be considerate or otherwise, free to reject God, free to find God, and this is why the source is greater than all else in this world, all that it created.

God’s love is the greatest teacher, God takes you, as you are.

God exists in all, known or unknown.

God so above it all, that these words are simply mere reflections of the power and light within.

So next time its tough, remember that secondary nature of self, and pass it over to God, anything else is back to front and will only bring you suffering as a result.

You may be vulnerable, you may be down, you may be struggling, but what’s connected to inside of you is beyond and above them all.

Shining brightly and joyfully as always.

God Bless


Barclay Littlewood


Why you must forgive others for their sins

Forgiveness works to heal the past. The past is one of the Devil’s main tools against us. He can hold us to the pain of events that have happened 30 seconds, 30 minutes or 30 years earlier. Sometimes the hurt of years ago can be made to seem just like yesterday.

Forgiveness is for the forgiver. That’s why you must forgive others. It takes back control of your heart, mind and future and unshackles you from the past.

The question is not “Why I should forgive them, why do they deserve it?”

The question is really “Why should I not forgive them? Why don’t I deserve it?”

If you can’t forgive others, you really must like punishing yourself.

You see not forgiving someone really often doesn’t matter to the person that did the harm. They may be blissfully unaware of what they did, or busy living their life without a second thought to it. By not forgiving, it’s you that’s still suffering the pain of what occurred. Ultimately forgiveness frees you up from the pain that’s been blocking your love – and allows you to move on. Until that time, the past is going to keep darkening your future. Their may be anger, trust and anxiety issues, and even problems forming relationships with people in a similar role to the person that harmed you before.

We know we should forgive, not only from the Bible and other Holy texts, but also because of our relationship with God. He forgives us, and we know as his child, we should strive to do forgive others in the same way. When we forgive, we take the burden off ourselves and we pass the burden over to God where it belongs and can be properly shouldered.

Others behaviour is between them and God, just as your behaviour is between you and God. So if you refuse to forgive you are basically saying you know better than God and his rules! God will let you have your own way and play at being God for as long as you wish. He’s happy to let you go about holding back forgiveness thinking you are achieving some victory and learn the hard way. We always know trying to be our own God and living by our own rules turns out badly, very badly indeed!

So there might be a million reasons to withhold forgiveness, but there’s really only one reason why you must forgive others – for your own healing.


The Essence of Forgiveness

Forgiveness isn’t just a matter of words and saying “I forgive them.” It’s deeply praying, sincerely forgiving and wishing the wrong doer well. Its being happy that they are happy. It’s asking God to help them and give them the best, praying for them just the same way as you pray for family or a friend, because in the end they are God’s child too.

If you can’t forgive in that way you haven’t forgiven at all. You’ve simply given lip service to the Bible and the concept. For example, if you cannot be in a room with someone and share a few words or jokes, you haven’t really forgiven them. Look to how God forgives us. Does he say “I’ll forgive you but don’t speak to me again.”? Of course not! He loves us still and that’s our goal with all others – his children.

I remember meeting a man from Rwanda once. He told me how almost his entire family was murdered. His wife, brother and 2 children. He was able to forgive the perpetrators as many in Rwanda have done. He was able to meet them forgive, and move onwards. He encouraged the wrong doers to see the Devil had overtaken them and seek forgiveness too from God. Now, because of thousands of stories like his, and thanks to God that country is finally healing from it’s past.

So next time you hear someone saying they can’t forgive, tell them – anything is forgivable.


Don’t just forgive – forgive and educate – let people know what they did wrong

I’ve forgiven some people in my time, all manner of things. In the beginning, it used to be hard to forgive. Then it got easier. But one mistake I made was never telling the person what they’d done wrong and how they had hurt me. I don’t think they ever learned much, indeed I think some people would just see my forgiveness as a let off!

So now I’m sure to let them know. I endeavour to do this in a gentle, truthful and constructive way, because it’s the right thing to do by God and ultimately I believe it will help them.

Of course too, you should explain why you are forgiving them. Your forgiveness can be taken many ways, as a sign of weakness, lack of harm, or apathy to the wrong. So you should highlight the reason you are doing it – because it is what God wants. Hopefully you forgiveness can be a lesson in itself.

Forgiveness also doesn’t mean appeasement. For example God doesn’t appease in our wrong doing. If we do something wrong, he corrects us by punishing to bring him back to his love. Equally, if someone broke into your home, you could forgive them, offering them help coming to God, but still push for them to receive punishment too. All people must learn, there are consequences to their actions and punishment and forgiveness are not two mutually exclusive actions.


Why you must seek forgiveness for your sins

If you don’t come to God and sincerely ask for forgiveness of your sins, then God’s love will always be withheld from you to some degree. The Devil wants you to think your sins are forever. He keeps it that way by telling you that you have no right to be forgiven, that you are not worthy of God’s love, or even that God does not exist. Ironic that is was down to the Devil you fell short in the first place! The whole World might be condemning you, but what matters is God’s forgiveness only.

God frowns upon a proud person. He sees everything you do – his presence is always there – so you can kid yourself you did no wrong – but you can’t kid God!

So humble yourself and admit you were wrong, promise to be better and then move on. Each time you do this it’s a victory for God and a defeat for the Devil!

Thanks for reading about why you must forgive others and seek forgiveness of your own sins, I really hope it helps you to heal the past in your own life.

God Bless

Barclay Littlewood