Barclay Littlewood

An Insight Into My Life

The truth is, you inherit a lot in this life you don’t ask for.

Some of it is good, some of it, not so good.

Indeed, some of it can be very bad indeed.

We all pick up habits of thinking and feeling about ourself, and life, and how to interact with the world, from our parents and siblings. Our family situations mould and shape us in our most formative years.

Past selfish acts in my family, from both parents, meant I inherited a lot of pain.

 

My mistake

But even though I was only 8, it was my mistake.

Mum and Dad could never give me, what they never had.

What I needed, had to be provided by me.

It’s something every child should realise, before they begin a life into a world of madness.

Your parents are ill-equipped to handle another human beings well being, very often, they can’t even handle their own.

I needed my own love, no one else’s. I needed to feel loved, and in the end, only I could provide that.

 

The Fight

I am not fighting anyone anymore. I am no longer fighting myself.

Now. I am only fighting the pain.

My father left when I was 8 never to return. My mother, I always felt an emotional disconnect from, she was never emotionally warm, but distant. Perhaps she was struggling to get over the divorce, to provide for us, and find love herself.

She was my one source of love, I tried so hard, to make sure I did well.

Somehow, I never could quite seem to earn that love and warmth I craved.

One day, I gave up, and drugs became my love.

As my addiction grew, it too failed to provide that love. It faded and it left even deeper scars.

I became distant to myself, cold to myself, I became angry, bitter.

Success wouldn’t solve it, money wouldn’t solve it, changing my looks and body wouldn’t solve it.

Even God couldn’t directly solve it.

 

A seed of pain

I did’t ask for that initial seed of that pain sown deep inside my heart and mind. I didn’t deserve it, and certainly, for a long part of my life, I didn’t even know that pain was there.

After that, it took a lot of figuring out how to begin to solve it. The problem was by then, the seed of pain had grown so large. It has become a tyrannous, sprawling, evil weed, intertwined with my very being, my body, mind and soul. It had become me.

Many, have had it a lot worse than me. It gives me great grace to understand, pain is passed on through generations. Like a silent killer. Most people don’t know it’s there, they never face it, and certainly they never cure it.

It goes on and on, passed subliminally from generation to generation, perhaps for centuries or more, until someone breaks the cycle.

That’s the fight for me.

To kill the pain. To break the cycle. To uproot the weed at it’s source – me.

Not only for myself, but should I have kids, that they never have to inherit the pain I inherited.

 

My power

This fight is to take all power over myself, back within me. To take full power over my relationship with myself, and my relationship with our source.

My neediness, was my undoing. I had thought, incorrectly, that the love I needed was outside of me.

It was within.

A long trail of spiritual seeking began. I devoured book after book of wisdom, I become complex and a serial changer, all for love.

Even the books that erred at truth, forget something so key. Pain is an experience. Only experiencing healing, can reverse it.

Words, mere words, nay mere wisdom, are only 1% of the battle.

 

 

Your experience shifts

The rest, the other 99%, is to begin to shift your experience.

You see your experience is plastic. Malleable.

It can be altered, replaced with a new, more joyful, better experience. Meditation, prayer, worship, practising love of oneself, all begin to alter you, second by second, minute by minute, day by day, month by month.

Year by year.

I care for people. But, I realise all people, ultimately are evil, we are all self centred. So quick to turn, so self involved, so negligent of how we effect others.

Now I don’t care what people think about me, I don’t care what they say about me, I don’t care how they view me. I need nothing from them, take or leave me, nothing you can give me, means anything to me. From the little things – don’t say hi, don’t be helpful, push past me – to the big things – forget what I did for you, turn on me, try and threaten me, do as you wish.

I won’t try and change you, convince you, alter you. I don’t need feeding from the outside. I don’t need the nourishment of this world.

Stay as you need to be, it’s your life, and I am focused on mine.

 

The pain of others

Few people know themselves, thus they cannot begin to even know another.

So many are in so much pain, they take it out on all those closest to them, without even knowing it. They have little time to think about the lives of others.

They are ultimately, a lot less important than you think. They can’t give you what you need, or what you have been searching for. Love them as much you wish, treat them as well as you like, all admirable qualities, just don’t get confused.

Don’t think it will give you anything you really need.

My stability now comes from within. My belief, comes from me. My view of myself comes from me. I know who I am better than you, better than anyone. I don’t need you onboard. I am not looking to complete my puzzle, with missing pieces you never held.

I learned to love myself, be kind to myself, to be my own guru, my own encourager. I learned to boost myself up. To be immensely proud of myself. To fight to get better each day.

I learned to admit my many fears, and face them. To push myself past them and conquer them.

I am bolstered by sound principles and values of love, kindness, tolerance, compassion, and forgiveness. I don’t seek to harm any other human being, physically, emotionally or financially.

 

Ready

I am, one in a million, maybe even more. I am different. I look at life differently, I live life differently, I feel about life differently. I know things others can’t even comprehend, I understand a better way.

I have evolved.

I am ready.

And this is just the beginning.

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